holy shit, small town america has gone full retard

well, small town america, it turns out you really are motherfucking retards. . dan hoyle, a reporter for salon.com, has filed two reports that solidify my disrepect for the "heartland", and everything it represents.

dear small town america,
let me try to explain something to you. the presidency is not a male version of miss teen usa. it's not a congeniality, superficial talent, bikini contest pageant. it's a campaign to determine who is savvy, who has the right temperment, and even (dare i suggest it?!?!?) the BRAINS, to handle a job that requires all three. hmm, let me see if i can further make this easier for you. i can't right the do-re-mi song, but maybe i can come close. the presidency- you know, of the fucking united states of america- is a job that requires actual brains. you actually do have to know some things (like who the different world leaders are, and the countries that they lead), and you definitely need to know a little something about a piece of paper called the constitution. i am, truly, sorry that you yourselves don't know enough either about the constitution, policy, or even what religion obama is. i'm truly sorry our media sucks enough that you actually still think saddam's weapons are out there, somewhere (would someone please make a video of the asshats who promote this set to the song from an american tail? fucking pretty please?) i am truly sorry that opportunities for living wages and education have passed you by. i know that the loss of opportunities in your communities is not entirely your fault. i know how discouraging it is that you feel less and less relevant to the country overall everyday.

but, have you ever considered that your relevance to the country might be tied to how knowledgable you are? let me see.... yes, i know the manufacturing jobs left, the darkies got to the lunch counter, and you've basically lost every big cultural fight, from women's rights to open homosexuality. i know what a blow to your sense of moral superiority those losses must still be. but don't you think that wallowing in ignorance and insisting your leaders do the same is the wrong way to strike back? have you ever considered that your refusal to keep up with the rest of class left you all alone in the classroom, when everyone else moved on to the next grade? do you actually think that urban americans, with their educations both in knowledge and critical thinking, should respect that you insist on believing things with no evidence, or with amazingly debunked evidence? do you think that, possibly, your jackassed insistence to see a presidential campaign as a search for a BFF might color how urban americans see you? do you really think that urban americans should respect your demand that the president "relate to you"? it's a presidential campaign, not a fucking "sex in the city" marathon. try to keep that in mind when you "evaluate" candidates. and happy moosehunting.

mccain's newest trophy (work) wife

so, olympia snowe, susan collins, christine todd whitman, condoleeza rice, and kay bailey hutchinson can apparently go fuck themselves. mccain really prefers the younger women, and not just for fucking.
all of the above women, though either slightly or way conservative, would all have been better picks. were the people advising mccain on a running mate on strike? in comas? palin will not deliver union votes, despite her husband's union status- the republican party has been at war with unions for decades now. palin and her husband can't possibly be so goddamned clueless they don't know this- they probably just don't care. palin will not deliver puma votes- those bitches ain't holding out for hillary because they want palin's grubby mooseburger-covered hands in their uteri. palin will not deliver the youth vote- obama has that almost completely locked up with the fact that he's proposed actually doing things differently, instead of just insisting that the same old shit is really new radical fertilizer. palin actually annihilates mccain's whole experience argument- we're supposed to believe that someone who's political career was on the city council and mayor's seat of a town of 8,500 people, and governor of a state of 700,000 for less than two years is qualified because she had the legal power to call the national guard for help? and if she's taking credit for stopping ted steven's bridge to nowhere, can she at least share the credit with jack cafferty?
palin brings mccain one thing (well, two, if mccain is looking for eye candy). palin brings mccain some red meat. the right-wing base of the republican party was never very enthusiastic about mccain, and even rumors of a pro-choice vp caused these nutjobs to throw back their heads and howl at the moon. palin ends all that. palin reassures the fuckers at operation rescue that mccain won't actually expect them to stop telling women getting abortions that they're murderers. palin reassures big oil that no one will stop their profits. she reassures the nra that nobody will do anything about illegal guns, or limit in any way the firepower that people can purchase. she may even give new hope to anti-tax fuckheads, since palin's a governor of a state with no income tax, in which residents actually get cash from oil revenues every year. of course she'll have no problem cutting taxes- alaska does very well without personal income taxes. of course, alaska receives more federal earmarks than any other state. but don't worry, governor palin assured everyone in late march that next year, alaska won't ask for so much. so see, she must be a reformer!
and here's the best thing about palin- for all her hardcore right-wing nutjob opinions, she looks normal. she doesn't have a national reputation for hardcore right-wing nuttery, and very few people outside of alaska know anything about the firing of her ex-brother-in-law. so she can actually impersonate a thinking human being. we'll see how good her acting is.

even tim shriver has to admit mccain is a retard

so mccain has actually decided that the fact that people really really really love/admire/actually want to listen to/can stand the sight of obama is bad. i happen to think he's loved because obama knows things, like, the difference between sunni and shia, and how much the price of milk has gone up. mccain thinks its obama's soft dreamy eyes. he likes to go on an on that obama's "not ready to lead". unfortunately for mccain, to lead, you need followers. you need a shitload of people to listen to you and do the grassroots work to bring about political change. mccain's only follower is joe lieberman. and joey l ain't doin' no grassroots work. i don't think that guy even cuts grass.

and on top of mccain's obvious pettiness, he fucks the viewer over! his ad claims he voted to raise taxes on people making $42,000 per year. by $15 per year. for single filers only. oh, that dirty socialist. does mccain understand that tax money goes, when it's not paying interest on the debt, or down the shithole that is iraq, to stuff that also stimulates the economy? like roadwork, or public employees' salaries, or building federal offices? on top of that, the federal government has rules for contractors for fair market wages, so funding a road project might actually stimulate the economy in a way that a new wal-mart just won't . but don't expect a conservative, even a fake maverick, to understand or admit that.

and with that said- what the fuck is obama's problem?!?!?!? why the fuck is he being nice to these world-class dickheads?!?!?!? it's not like obama has some great working relationship with mccain. it's not like mccain is his pastor of 20-odd years. mccain is a shitstain who flew off the handle at him in 2006 because obama thought that a task force on lobbyist reform would take too long, and is now using every opportunity to belittle and outright insult him. mccain's ads always have a whiff of mccain's disdain for obama- you can tell mccain thinks obama has some nerve challenging him. if obama even smiles and enjoys himself for two seconds, mccain acts as if obama has gotten too big for his britches. sorry johnboy, but obama is not a step-n-fetch-it. he's not going to humble himself before your sorry ass. oh, obama will be nice to you, and continue to call you an honorable man, blah blah blah. but why should the guy who beat hillary fucking clinton in a primary she was favored to win act like he doesn't belong on the world stage, and he'll only take the job if mccain suddenly decides he doesn't want it?

i'll tell you why obama doesn't bring out a few sucker punches. he has class. remember, when we used to complement someone by saying they had class? it meant you were a decent human being, even when you didn't have to be. it meant you were never so desperate you resorted to the shittiness that is now john mccain's entire campaign. we don't tell people they have class anymore. i don't know, maybe having class is now one of those elitist, liberal things, and conservatives allow themselves to wallow in an orgy of materialism and pettiness. now, don't get me wrong, i admire class. and i think obama's got it. i thought he had alot more of it before he caved on fisa, but he's got it. but obama needs to channel that class. he needs to have enough class to go before the american people and literally point out every shitty thing mccain's ads have said and implied, and why they're shitty. he needs to look a camera in the eye and say "john mccain has no class, and i feel sorry for him." but obama won't. he'll act like he's got to at least pretend to respect john mccain, because it's some new kind of politics he wants to introduce. i say no new kinds of politics until you've shown you can master the one we have now.